a yes and a no... and somewhere in between

can i feel you?
YES.
can i touch you?
MAYBE.
can i hold you close and embrace you?
NO.

Intricate as it may seem, but this is how the wind is to me. As I walk down the road that leads to where I am supposed to be in a minute or two, a gentle breeze would softly pass... Yes, wind, I can feel you. Yes, wind, when you pass through my fingers, it's as though I can touch your gentle wings... Yes wind, I know you are there... and yet you are not willing to be embraced. Not by anyone. Not by me.

I so want You... yes I did, in many ways but one.
Did I ever really, at some silly, shallow, insignificant point in my life, did I ever really, truly, sincerely, genuinely, deeply get the chance to find and know You? If I did, how come I could not find much significance still? I used to feel You wherever I am, and yet now, when I need You the most, would You.. COULD You really do abandon me???

DESPERATION.

Must I always come to this end? Must I always find myself in much desperation for rescue just so I would find the strength to scream out Your Name for help? A lifetime on earth is as short as a tick of a clock, they say... how come it does not feel that way? Must I really endure pain to find myself, once again, within Your courts of grace? If only I listened. If only I learned while it was not yet too late. And now the consequences of my actions await.

WHAT MUST I DO???

A yes? A no? A maybe?

one word is all I ask.

no. forget that last sentence.

i need thousands and thousands of words of reassurance to ease my fearing and doubting mind...

A yes? A no? A maybe?

speak the word.
let me hear You again.............

i refuse

to be robbed...

i refuse to allow anybody or anything rob me from my joy, my peace, my sense of self...

but every now and then, as things happen and events take place, i begin to wonder... is there really something in me that can be stolen? after all, what i don't have, they can't steal.

i received this gray "sack-shaped" dress from my sister...and a very price-ie dress, might i add. For some reason as i wore it, my sister and my mom has this (usual) "wooooow" expression that is (usually) followed by "dalaga ka na" (you're a lady now)...

then when i looked at the mirror, i fixed my hair, i pulled the dress down and fixed it and TRIED MY BEST to see it on me, and i realized how i hate it. i don't want near me, i hate it... i look like someone pulled off from a junk yard, dressed in a sack. whoever designed that dress should be sued for creating something awfully wrong. the shape, the style, the fit, the color, everything in that dress was all wrong for me.

and now i feel so guilty because i don't even deserve a gift for every miserable thing i have ever done, and this dress is really an act of kindness and love from my sister because she bought this from her own hard-earned money and i realized how ungrateful i am... how awful and how miserable and wretched i truly am...

and it's saddening me. =(

for every accusation my mom and sister have against me, always about being ungrateful, could it be that they were right and i was merely too stubborn to admit it? could it be that i was too blind to see it?

i refuse to stay like this.

***

FATHER GOD,

You said there is nothing too hard for You. You said nothing is impossible for you to accomplish. May You not find this sincere prayer disrespectful, but I challenge Your power to make things happen...

...God, through Your son Jesus Christ, I come boldly to Your throne of grace.... CHANGE ME. Make me Christ-like and please Lord... Change me...

Amen.

in the fifth commandment....

....of the ten commandments of the LORD,

when God said,

"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you."

God didn't say honor them because they are honorable.

He said HONOR THEM whether or not they are honorable.

It's not about respecting the respectable.

It's about OBEYING GOD despite the difficulty to do so.

oh how i wish i could swallow my pride and ask forgiveness from her,

but every cell comprising my body wish i did go to manila this morning and left her for three days for her to wallow up in her own misery. This way, i am not miserable, and i am not breaking the 5th commandment. because today, i am simply fed up. enough is enough.

why did i consider her? why did i stick around when she said, "wag ka nang umalis... wala akong kasama", even though the very reason why i didn't want to stay here is because SHE IS HERE. damn. stupid, stupid, stupid me.

crying...

...at the end part of the movie The Love Affair.

Pretty dumb, i'll own up to that accusation. BUT it's a touching movie! haha! i'm bound to shed a tear or two. :p

Anyway, over the past few days I have come to the conclusion that I should get rid of ideations of romance and building romantic relationships with someone.

*sigh*

two ex - boyfriends and one current "relationship" with someone similar to what Amanda Peet and Ashton Kutcher had in the movie A Lot Like Love isn't exactly what I had in mind for a track record in the "world of love"... whatever that "love" may mean.

*sigh*

I have always meditated the Scripture found in I Corinthians 13:1-13 wherein apostle Paul speaks of the real essence of LOVE. As I continued my journey in faith, I have been given the privilege of attending seminars on Love, Courtship and Marriage...

...but perhaps I've never really appreciated it? Perhaps the reason why I never really took the principles and values that the speakers were trying to inculcate seriously was for the very fact that i thought it doesn't really apply to me. Like as if I were a cyborg; incapable of feeling...

...oh how very mistaken I was. Very mistaken, indeed.

LIMERENCE is taking me away...

(Ecclesiastes 1:2)

"Vanity of vanities! ...all is vanity."

time to grow up.

i reeeeeally

hate competitions.

Feeling the need to compete for your heart just turns me off.

Perhaps being turned off is a good thing.

Perhaps it's just what I need...

Honestly? Right now I really don't need this.......... Limerence.

thinking of YOU

(breathe in, and breathe out)

Whenever i feel like i want to do something CRAZY and completely unlike me, i think of YOU.


...and wonder how it would feel like to kiss you.


buti nalang hindi posible ito. ^_^ hahaha!

we can always choose our actions,
but not its consequences...

'cause you caught me offguard,
and now i'm running and screaming
"i feel like a hero, and you are my heroine
do you know that YOUR LOVE is the sweetest sin?"

buffering...

...the movie "The Corpse Bride".

nakakabitin, pero pagtiya-tiyagaan ko! XD
mukha kasing promising eh. hahaha!

***instead of doing my research work / case study/ SOL 1 reflection notes / CBQ practices...

...i do this. :))

Prinsesa ng procrastination... :p

PAGBIGYAN NA!!! hahaha