finding peace..

(cue violin)

(cue piano)

I've been staring at the sky tonight, marveling and passing time.
Wond'ring what to do with daylight, until I can make you mine.
You are the one I want. You are the one I want.

I've been thinking of changing my mind; it never stays the same for long
but for all the things I know for sure, you're the only certain one.
You are the one i want. You are the one i want.

I've been counting up all my wrongs, one sorry for each star.
See, I'd apologize my way to you, if the heavens stretched that far.
You are the one I want. You are the one I want.

I won't find what I am looking for if I only see by keeping score.
'cause I know now you are so much more than arithmetic.
'cause if I add, if I subtract, if I give it all, try to take some back,
I'd forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
that you are the SUM... So you are the one I want.

When the years are showing on my face, and my strongest days are gone;
When my heart and flesh depart this place, from a life that sung your song...
You'll still be the one I want. You'll still be the one I want.
You'll still be the one I want. You'll still be the one I want.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

the only thing keeping me together right now is Him.
I'm a Christian. As most Christians, each and everyday is a chance to be "cooked" inside the fury furnace. As for me, I was tempted to give up... tempted to let go, and tempted to live "just like everyone else".

BUT I couldn't.

Once i heard the Lord speak of His servant proudly...
He said, "Satan, have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason." ...and a prayer was created in me...

"Father, would you also boast of me when I am under tribulations?
Would I give much honor to Your name, or would I disgrace Your son?
I desire nothing more than to bring you JOY."

See, though I have so much worries, so much fears, so much insecurities, and so much doubt... there is still this overpowering sense of FAITH in me that reassures me that whatever circumstance there is that must be faced, the Lord would never depart from me. NEVER.

...and that just completely makes me fall in love with Him... over and over and over again.

and then... peace settles in my heart. ♥

NO ONE IS LIKE THE LORD. :)


► NP: Arithmetic - Brooke Fraser

in despair.

drug study, case study, duty tomorrow, NCP, a jerk who thinks so highly of himself and his chosen career, schoolwork, voter's education to facilitate (i'm accumulating number of days now), life group, School Outreach Ministry, ministry inside the church, collage for a stupid subject, quizzes, upcoming final exam, being ALONE.

there's this concept i heard today that describes exactly how i feel right now:

WORN OUT.

sometimes i wish all things came easily for me, like, all the things i need to learn are to be laid down the table for me to just look at it, and grasp it, and go on along the way knowing what i should and should not be doing. It's really low, i know, and my FAITH would not be put to test anymore, but i just can't help wishing like this so i would not have to see myself fighting a fight not worth fighting for.

pretty chicken-ie, would you not say?

the worse part of it all is that i've got no one with me this time.

the person i trust the most has a life of her own now. not that i should be too affected, i mean, c'mon. she's gotta live sometime thinking about no one but herself, right?

WHY have i been so convinced there would be this person who would exist just to be there, you know? just literally BE THERE for me?

(on the verge of crying again...)

i have faith in God. i do. He has always been faithful and true to me, and i have living testimonies of that. But there are times when a human being needs to feel the presence of another human being, not physically, but holistically.

literally, i have NO ONE who can fill up that position.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT FINDING MR. RIGHT.

It's about finding a friend. a real one. i cannot believe i am saying this, but i just cant stand being alone anymore. it sucks. :'(

(breathe... breathing... wheeeeeew........)

anyway, i'll be fine.

i'm so self-centered.

then again, aren't we all?

pride

TEXT TWIST TIME!

PRIDE

-rip
-die
-pre
-ride

the first few words that automatically entered my mind as i looked at this word. This is such a shiny, "glorious", honorable, respectable word.

or so it may seem.

it rips you continuously into pieces before or until you die.
That is, if you'd ride along...


among the deadly sins, this one is the most poisonous...
even the once most beautiful among the angels fell from the heavens because of its consuming viper.

why would anyone want this?






I've been re-assessing myself for the past few weeks.
So far, this is my evaluation:

--i've been missing out devotion hours

--i'm currently addicted to facebook and youtube

--i've been slacking off from school work

--i'm cramming for requirements the night before its sumbmission

--i'm physically exhausted because i do nothing like a sloth when i have free time (knowing i have much to accomplish) and then CRAM and "sacrifice" my sleeping hours doing what i could have done a few days earlier.

--in relation to the previous statement, almost all my work are of no value, no excellence, no prestige, no class, no spark! simply because they were done just to get them done.

--i don't pray much anymore.

--i'm beginning to be a sour-puss.

--i don't get to show how much my family means to me.

--i'm not overflowing in the Spirit... and i miss this!

ghaaa! my life is beginning to crumble. lately i'm losing all hope and interest. But then again, it happens. We lose energy mainly because we're not connected to the powersource.

*sigh*


though mountains may be moved
and fall into the raging sea
You'll never let me fall
You hold me in Your nail-scarred hands


***in the end, nothing matters more than the Lord.

dying to self.

it's not literally suicide, but rather choosing not to feed the flesh of its lustful desires.. greed, sex (or anything related), pride...

i've always heard our pastor preach this:

there are three things to which all believers must watch out for in order to survive this earth, and they are:

--lust of the flesh

--lust of the eyes

--pride of life

it reminded me of this passage:

LUKE 9:22-26 (Take Up the Cross and Follow Him)

23 Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily,[a] and follow Me.
24 For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.
25 For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost?
26 For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father’s, and of the holy angels.

i'm not really planning to preach right now or share the "daily gospel" or whatever you wanna call this thing i'm doing right now... it just so happens that after 2 days of conflict and giving of cold shoulders to each other, my mom hugged me today and said she was sorry. i'm really glad we're ok now, but i was burdened by the fact that my mother had to be the first one to humble herself down...

i couldn't even swallow my pride. :'(



it's not easy to die daily from myself. i'm admitting that.
HOWEVER, it's a complete mistake to NOT try.

good morning. :)

all my life.

i've prayed for someone like you...
and i thank God that i,
[i'll eventually] find you.

HAHA.

i'm 19. it's gay. i don't usually care but just this moment, let me be human.

as all stories go, there's THIS GUY.

and...

I like him A LOT. He's different. But so is everyone else.
AH. the point is... there is no point.

I really like him. I'm special to him. but so is everyone else.
And the point is... i've a problem with my perception.

i do love the way he smiles at me and the way he looks at me
but it's sad to say that's just the way he is.

alright. He's a wonderful person.
the end.

i'm just overly infatuated by him :)
me to him. no more reverse.

it's fine. :)
Serendipity is always bittersweet.

couldn't find my peace.

started this day with great effort to put a smile on my face.
it's not that i'm sad today or anything, it's just that i really want to have a better day than yesterday.

before the day ended, i let my stupid pride get in the way.

no matter how i try to rationalize it, no matter how effortlessly i make this guy easy to hate, there is still this nagging feeling deep within me that's saying i've done something wrong.

it's as easy as this:

he's naggy, self-absorbed, RUDE, mean, annoying, REALLY HARD to get along with, (EMO but won't admit it), he pushes your limits, he intentionally wants you to be mean to him, he's sometimes touchy in a slightly creepy way, and just.. urgh. it's so hard to be decent with this guy.

BUT THE THING IS...

i'm still in control over my emotions.

I know there's always bias with blog writers. we all (as humans) tend to appear the protagonist of our own stories (like, duh?), and as much as i wanna build up my name and say, "hey! i'm right! and he's just wrong, period!" i only sound stupid to me. i created this web space to vent out ALL emotions i have right now and that entails not lying to myself. the truth is always liberating after all.

to my ... (he's not an enemy, but not exactly a friend)

to YOU.

i apologize for being too absorbed with my emotions that i neglected to see the events that have happened. it was really dumb of me to let my pride get in the way of fixing whatever small argument we had. it was only a scissor after all. but that was not the point. the point was i made a mistake and i could not admit making a dumb mistake that is actually not of great significance, had i just apologized and let it pass.

though i must admit, i am not numb to not get offended with the way you've been acting. you are really rude and obnoxious, and it's really offending. i tried to understand you, then i misunderstood you, and now i cannot by the slightest bit comprehend you. I believe in every person's complexity. i do. BUT YOURS IS JUST TOO INTRICATE!

look, i'm sorry. i'm angry at what you are doing, i really am. but in the slightest bit i pray we'd still find a way to get along.. after all, i can still recall the first few weeks we met, it was quite easy to like you. i don't know what happened, but i hope whatever friendship i thought we had could still be revived.

i'm really sorry.


----------------


2:55am

don't wanna sleep anymore. :p

hahaha!

-----------------

Lord Almighty,

create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me...

LOVELIFE.

2/14/2010; 1:43AM

"ikaw, kumusta na ang lovelfe mo?" a friend of mine asked me yesterday after our midterm exams.

it didn't matter that much to me that i was not able to give her any sort of answer because frankly, i really don't have "one of those"... in Filipino custom, people expect you to have a boyfriend by age 18 or so, and i really don't get the point of them requiring you to have one (like as if it's merchandise to be bought) just so everytime THIS EXACT DATE (February 14) visits your calendar, you'd get to have someone give you flowers or buy you something cute or sweet or fancy... same old mediocre stuff. it's the kind of thing that makes me wanna hurl because of its overly exaggerated notions.

DO NOT GET ME WRONG.

so I'm single. but this blogpost is not exactly to be considered as "rantings" of my bitterness (or whatever or however you may perceive this) because I'm single. I know it sounds very cliche that the reason I have for being single is because i wanna take my time, BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS...

how come limited people get that???

whaaaaaatever.

although, needless to say, i really am curious as to how people's minds work. When you mention the words "LOVE" or "LOVE LIFE" or "VALENTINES'" they'd interpret it as something in relation to romance. Blah. can't you consider your relationship with your family as "love life"? how about with friends? or those whom you see wandering off in the streets? (maybe i'll write a post about this one, with this question at hand: do you still feel a TINGE of pain when you see people like this?)

needless to say, even LOVE, the purest, sweetest, greatest FORCE known to mankind has become a mediocre thing, a one-time-big-time event, a "day", a "date"... *sigh*

is it really necessary to set up a date specific for couples to give heart shaped balloons and cakes and stuff to their partner for THIS day? why can't they do that, you know, like, just because it's wednesday or something? must there really be an occasion to have an opportunity to show your appreciation through "tangible stuff" to the ones you love? can't you show that everyday? can't you make them feel that even without the "tangible stuff"?

see that? that's EXACTLY how futile the human mind sometimes is when it is not properly exercised. lazy brains says, "why go through an effort of reaching out for answers when you can lower down the level of the queries?"

*sigh*

such a strong personality, wouldn't you agree?
you know, there was a time when i appreciated this day as a special day too.. actually, it is. but the thing is, over the years, i've been taught (by a lot of stuff that happened around me) that sometimes, this traditions and cultures are all but trends people follow but have forgotten the meaning of. Like, how can you say "i love you" to someone else (like your partner or something) when you cannot even admit to your mom that you are sorry for what you've done, or to your dad that you are thankful for what he did, or to your siblings that you love them? doesn't that seem strange that when the group of people to which you are expected to learn how to give love, you deprive them of YOUR love?

what is LOVE anyways?

in the greatest, purest sense, it is simply this:

for GOD so loved the world
that HE GAVE
His ONLY BEGOTTEN SON
that whosoever believes in Him
shall NOT PERISH
but have everlasting LIFE.

LOVE means to give your best, give your all, give what you have until it hurts, for the benefit, the safety, the LIFE of the ones whom you love.. just like how God gave us Jesus to save us from eternal damnation.. and we the benefactors of this kind of SELFLESS LOVE? well... we just have to believe that He is God, we are man, and He knows what He's doing.

That's LOVE.
That's MY kind of LOVE.

Happy Valentines' Day.

♥♥♥

_spread love!_

usap politika

***ito ang comment ko sa isang blog na nabasa ko.. MAS MAHABA pa ata sa article hahaha!
so i decided to make it a blog.. :))

--------//---------//----------

hahaha! to a certain degree, you are accurate with what sort of effect the jingle has on people's minds.

though you might not find it as optimistic as i do, i'm actually glad that you have Eddie Villanueva's campaign jingle somewhat stuck in your head. (now i know some people actually hear it)

now, who am i, but a small voice, that someone would read what i have to say? nevertheless here am i to broadcast to all internet users reading this blog that i am a VOLUNTEER (i AM NOT paid to post his picture as my profile picture on all my accounts, when i swallow my shame and meekness when i speak to RANDOM people on jeepneys about how desperately we need a DIFFERENT BREED of person seated on the "throne of leadership", and nobody is giving me a single cent *no matter how much i need it!* for me to stop working on my thesis for a while and write this comment right now) and that with all my heart, after much struggle to get my RESEARCHING (about the candidates and about what is happening in the Philippines) fit into my schedule as a student (with all the requirements and stuff), i have read, asked around, and searched through all mediums i could use to get information, and have even attended forums and talks of different politicians running for president...

HONEST TO GOODNESS, iba si Eddie Villanueva. in two months' time, our choice will determine just how much we use our "analytical skills" in choosing someone who will lead us towards a better, brighter PHILIPPINES. that choice will last for a span of SIX YEARS (or longer if the constitution by that time would be changed)

eto lang ang sa akin..

Si Sir Noynoy, maprinsipyo. antaas ng galang sa magulang.. hindi niya hahayaan na masira ang reputasyon ng pamilya niya.. he's never been on any kind of scam, scandals, and corruption of any sort... but i noticed he's "playing safe"...

Si Sir Gibo... hmmm. parang re-run nalang niyan ng kung paano tayo pinamunuan ng isang presidenteng NAHULI NA NGA at UMAMIN NA RIN (through her "i am sorry" speech") na nandaya siya sa botohan, BUT NOTHING HAPPENED. She's very smart and she knows HOW TO PLAY AROUND with powerful people in the government. AYOKO NA NG GANUN.

Si Sir Villar. brilliant businessman. akalain mong from dirt to riches naka-angat siya? BUT HOW FAR is he willing to climb UP? ...hmmm... dinig-dinig ko Php. 250,000.00 ang airing ng bawat commercial na about 30 seconds lang eh. nice, ano? not to mention his case sa C-5 road project. haiii naman.

Si Sir JC. wow! gotta admire the guts. pero mejo naive pa when it comes to politics, ESPECIALLY kung buong Pilipinas na ang pinag-uusapan Si Sir Gordon, astig! grabe ang nagawa sa Subic. very disciplined ang mga tao doon.. at may kickback pa yata sa project na yun eh.

Si Sir Estrada.. siguro naman may dahilang bakit nagka EDSA dos di ba?

haaaai. kaka-dismaya. never really cared about politics before.. mas masaya buhay ko nun. but somehow, i'm glad a sense of PATRIOTISM sparked at the very core of my soul that woke me up, saying, "hey, can't you see this? don't you really care?"

and so i write this semi-comment, semi-blog, hoping you would not strike me for being superfluous with words, to simply say that even before the WONDERFUL SPEECHES delivered by other politicians, i saw one character in Villanueva that made me say out loud: "i'm sticking with you til the end of this fight"

two words, mga kababayan...

PUBLIC SERVANT.