in despair.

drug study, case study, duty tomorrow, NCP, a jerk who thinks so highly of himself and his chosen career, schoolwork, voter's education to facilitate (i'm accumulating number of days now), life group, School Outreach Ministry, ministry inside the church, collage for a stupid subject, quizzes, upcoming final exam, being ALONE.

there's this concept i heard today that describes exactly how i feel right now:

WORN OUT.

sometimes i wish all things came easily for me, like, all the things i need to learn are to be laid down the table for me to just look at it, and grasp it, and go on along the way knowing what i should and should not be doing. It's really low, i know, and my FAITH would not be put to test anymore, but i just can't help wishing like this so i would not have to see myself fighting a fight not worth fighting for.

pretty chicken-ie, would you not say?

the worse part of it all is that i've got no one with me this time.

the person i trust the most has a life of her own now. not that i should be too affected, i mean, c'mon. she's gotta live sometime thinking about no one but herself, right?

WHY have i been so convinced there would be this person who would exist just to be there, you know? just literally BE THERE for me?

(on the verge of crying again...)

i have faith in God. i do. He has always been faithful and true to me, and i have living testimonies of that. But there are times when a human being needs to feel the presence of another human being, not physically, but holistically.

literally, i have NO ONE who can fill up that position.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT FINDING MR. RIGHT.

It's about finding a friend. a real one. i cannot believe i am saying this, but i just cant stand being alone anymore. it sucks. :'(

(breathe... breathing... wheeeeeew........)

anyway, i'll be fine.

i'm so self-centered.

then again, aren't we all?