finding peace..

(cue violin)

(cue piano)

I've been staring at the sky tonight, marveling and passing time.
Wond'ring what to do with daylight, until I can make you mine.
You are the one I want. You are the one I want.

I've been thinking of changing my mind; it never stays the same for long
but for all the things I know for sure, you're the only certain one.
You are the one i want. You are the one i want.

I've been counting up all my wrongs, one sorry for each star.
See, I'd apologize my way to you, if the heavens stretched that far.
You are the one I want. You are the one I want.

I won't find what I am looking for if I only see by keeping score.
'cause I know now you are so much more than arithmetic.
'cause if I add, if I subtract, if I give it all, try to take some back,
I'd forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
that you are the SUM... So you are the one I want.

When the years are showing on my face, and my strongest days are gone;
When my heart and flesh depart this place, from a life that sung your song...
You'll still be the one I want. You'll still be the one I want.
You'll still be the one I want. You'll still be the one I want.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

the only thing keeping me together right now is Him.
I'm a Christian. As most Christians, each and everyday is a chance to be "cooked" inside the fury furnace. As for me, I was tempted to give up... tempted to let go, and tempted to live "just like everyone else".

BUT I couldn't.

Once i heard the Lord speak of His servant proudly...
He said, "Satan, have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason." ...and a prayer was created in me...

"Father, would you also boast of me when I am under tribulations?
Would I give much honor to Your name, or would I disgrace Your son?
I desire nothing more than to bring you JOY."

See, though I have so much worries, so much fears, so much insecurities, and so much doubt... there is still this overpowering sense of FAITH in me that reassures me that whatever circumstance there is that must be faced, the Lord would never depart from me. NEVER.

...and that just completely makes me fall in love with Him... over and over and over again.

and then... peace settles in my heart. ♥

NO ONE IS LIKE THE LORD. :)


► NP: Arithmetic - Brooke Fraser

in despair.

drug study, case study, duty tomorrow, NCP, a jerk who thinks so highly of himself and his chosen career, schoolwork, voter's education to facilitate (i'm accumulating number of days now), life group, School Outreach Ministry, ministry inside the church, collage for a stupid subject, quizzes, upcoming final exam, being ALONE.

there's this concept i heard today that describes exactly how i feel right now:

WORN OUT.

sometimes i wish all things came easily for me, like, all the things i need to learn are to be laid down the table for me to just look at it, and grasp it, and go on along the way knowing what i should and should not be doing. It's really low, i know, and my FAITH would not be put to test anymore, but i just can't help wishing like this so i would not have to see myself fighting a fight not worth fighting for.

pretty chicken-ie, would you not say?

the worse part of it all is that i've got no one with me this time.

the person i trust the most has a life of her own now. not that i should be too affected, i mean, c'mon. she's gotta live sometime thinking about no one but herself, right?

WHY have i been so convinced there would be this person who would exist just to be there, you know? just literally BE THERE for me?

(on the verge of crying again...)

i have faith in God. i do. He has always been faithful and true to me, and i have living testimonies of that. But there are times when a human being needs to feel the presence of another human being, not physically, but holistically.

literally, i have NO ONE who can fill up that position.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT FINDING MR. RIGHT.

It's about finding a friend. a real one. i cannot believe i am saying this, but i just cant stand being alone anymore. it sucks. :'(

(breathe... breathing... wheeeeeew........)

anyway, i'll be fine.

i'm so self-centered.

then again, aren't we all?